I want to write about not wanting to write. Because I have not wanted to write recently. And yet here I am.
Let's rephrase that: I have really wanted to want to write. It's not like I dread writing, or don't feel like I want to be a writer anymore. No, I want to write. But when I sit down to do so (as I have been doing quite often, because of this blog) I find I have nothing to say.
That's a scary thing for a writer.
I have lots of stories to write, and I have no problem journaling (which is usually more like praying). But I have nothing burning to say that's appropriate for a blog or an essay- and those are the things I really need right now because of how many English classes I happen to be enrolled in currently.
Recently, I have not felt on top of my writing game. I'm cranking things out, sure. But they usually just barely meet the word limit. My most recent post for my other class was three words over the minimum. It's a strange experience for me, who usually is having to cut out dozens, or perhaps hundreds, of words last minute because I realized there was a maximum amount of words. I've never really had nothing to say before. I never paid attention when people were giving tips for "how to reach the word minimum for your essay" because I'd never had a problem with that.
The stuff that I have been writing has not felt as good as some of my past writing has. It hasn't felt as passionate, as personal, or as true. It feels as if the quality of my writing has gone down. It feels like I've lost my voice, which I once felt I had found and developed pretty nicely. I guess it kind of feels like I'm a beginner writer again, which I would have hoped to be several years past at this point.
It's not writers' block per se. It's not that I don't want to write. It's not that I have absolutely nothing to say. I'm not exactly sure what it is.
Having got thus far in my post, I now realize that I don't remember what the point was. If there was a point. I'm sure two years ago, I could have wrapped this post up nicely with an anecdote, or an encouraging message to other writers, or some epiphany of what I need to do to get back in the game. I was always proud of my conclusions; they felt fitting or powerful or funny. And here I am without a conclusion in mind.
