Two years ago, I went to Honduras for the first time. The experience was really important for my spiritual growth and impacted my decision to learn Spanish and pursue long-term missions in the future. There is just one thing I regret about that trip: I had the opportunity to share my testimony (with a translator) to the youth group, but I hesitated and missed my chance. But since then I have shared my story many times, and God gave me a chance on my most recent trip to share my testimony- all in Spanish!
I was born into a Christian family and my dad has even been a pastor for nearly all of my life. My parents and my church taught me many things about the Bible. By the time I was 4 or 5, I could probably rattle off the gospel... "all are sinners and need Jesus. So Jesus died on the cross for our sins and rose again three days later."
When I was 7, I followed a prompt in a devotional book and "asked Jesus into my heart." Afterward, I went and told my mom that I was now a Christian! And that was pretty much it. For the next few years I told myself that I was good, the "spiritual stuff" was all taken care of, and I had nothing to worry about.
I memorized entire chapters of the Bible, prayed often, read the Bible every day and journaled about it, shared the gospel with my neighbors, and wanted to be a missionary when I grew up. I sometimes had doubts about whether I was truly saved or not, but I always ignored those doubts and told myself not to worry about that. I believed in God, didn't I?
The problem is, no matter how hard I tried, no matter how good I was, it didn't make the slightest difference in my heart. Everything I did was to make my parents proud, to make myself feel better, or to have others think, "what a good girl." None of it was genuine. It didn't even matter that I believed in the Bible, and truly believed in God. The truth is, just believing isn't enough, but I was proud and unwilling to see this.
For three years I deceived myself and others into believing I was truly saved.
Until one day when my family and I were visiting another church, and the pastor ended his sermon by quoting Romans 10:9, "Because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." The Lord used this verse- which I was very familiar with but had never thought about- to break my sinful heart and show me my need for Him. It was that day that I realized that it was nothing I could do that saved me. I couldn't change a thing on my own. I also realized that being saved has two parts- believing and repenting. It's not enough to just believe in God, we also have to turn away from our sins and repent.
I didn't understand everything then because I was young, but since then I have learned more about what it means to be saved. There is absolutely no way that living a good life could have gotten me anywhere. It wasn't enough to be so good and obedient that everyone thought I was a Christian. It wasn't enough to share the gospel with my neighbors. It wasn't good enough to be a Christian because my parents wanted me to be. There was literally nothing I could do to change my heart, and I had been on my way to eternity in hell. I absolutely and completely need Christ. And he died on a cross 2000 years ago for me and saved me on that day in October of 2012.
I know that now I am truly saved because I can see God working in my heart in the years since then. I can see how he has been changing my heart even in the little things of sanctification. I don't always respond as impatiently, pridefully, or selfishly as I would have ten years ago. When I was 14, I was baptized and publicly associated myself with Christ as a Christian. That was one of the happiest days of my life. When I was 17 I went to Honduras for a one-week missions trip, and that made me much more determined to finish school with the purpose of missions afterward.
But as any Christian knows, becoming saved doesn't immediately solve all your problems. Since becoming a Christian, one of the things I have struggled with the most (strangely enough) is being frustrated that my life was too easy. As a pastor's daughter, I knew very well that nobody was perfect, and I knew that everybody is going through something. As I grew older and started being involved with our church's Biblical Counseling program, I gained an even clearer understanding of the sins and trials that people struggle with all throughout life.
But I didn't struggle with "big" sins, I didn't have tragedy or trauma in my past as some people did, I wasn't broken like many of my friends or other people I knew. Because I felt like my past and present weren't enough, I often looked to the future to satisfy myself. Both in anxiety and discontentment for today. I often struggled with frustration that my life had been so easy while others had it so much harder, and to be honest this is still something that I have a hard time with. This is not to say my life has been perfect. There have been family struggles, conflict with friends, disappointments, loneliness, and mostly struggling with my sin in my own heart. But none of this was as big or as hard as many other people have it. When I was troubled over something, I got upset with myself for being upset in the first place because I felt I have no right to be sad or worried because I'm wasn't going through what others have. Or, I would be anxious that all the trials of my life were being "saved up" for later. I got worried that if I struggle with being content and happy now, how am I possibly going to be joyful in the future when trials hit? Then I would get discouraged with myself as I see all my sin, and how I get stuck in this cycle of discontentment, anxiety, and restlessness.
Instead, we are to focus on Christ. Psalm 16:5-8 has been very encouraging to me lately. It says, "Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I keep my eyes always on the LORD. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken." These verses jump right in with centering on the LORD. Focusing on ourselves will only result in one of two options, both of which are sin: pride or hopelessness. I know because I am constantly fighting both of these. Instead, we are to keep our eyes always on the Lord. He is my portion and he makes me secure. No matter how hard or easy life is.
And this is why I need Christ. John 15:5 says, "I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.” He alone can change my heart and make me less selfish and re-center my heart on himself. He alone can satisfy me. He alone can make me safe and secure. He alone can lead me to live a life that is glorifying to the Father. This is why He came to earth as a baby, fully God and yet fully man, and died on the cross. This is why he rose again three days later, and this is why he sent his Spirit to live within me. It's all for God's glory, and my good, and I can rest in this.
When life is amazing, God's grace is evident in the many blessings. When life is really hard, God's grace becomes even stronger and more personal. But when life is normal, or boring, it's harder to sense. But it's there. God is faithful in the little things. There are a million little things every day that prove he is faithful and worthy of our trust for the future. I've had to learn that "Godliness with contentment is great gain," as 1 Timothy 6:6 says, and God is enough for me today, tomorrow, and forever.
This testimony of salvation is not about me, it's about God's faithfulness to me in saving and sanctifying me. Our God is good and faithful, and I am so grateful to Him.
